My husband: my manly man

This is random, but I'm so thankful for my husband.

I'm thankful that he married me and loves me, despite all of my shortcomings and sins and selfish habits.

I'm thankful that he embraces my career choice. He saw my dream of being a doctor crushed in college; he helped me through the years of my life when God convicted me to surrender my career desires and love Him first; and during those years, he prayed for me as my heart grew for the lost; and he still wanted to marry me when I was led back to this crazy journey of medicine.

He spent the first two years of our marriage serving me humbly, quietly, without complaints. The first two years of marriage were also my first two years of med school - inarguably the hardest and most grueling half of my medical education. While we look back fondly on these years [and on our tiny "first home" together!], they were definitely not glamorous. My husband endured many gross, barely-edible meals and never once said a dish was bad. My husband did the dishes and cleaned our apartment countless times, never pointing out that it was mostly my mess that he was cleaning. And before returning to school himself, my husband came home after long, stressful days at work to a busy and pre-occupied wife who barely kissed him hello before burying her face back in the mountains of medical school books. And yet he still loved me, still massaged my shoulders when they were stiff, still cleaned the house when I complained, still did the dishes whenever I "cooked" him anything.

And now we're in our third year of marriage and I'm in my third year of medical school. The reality of what my hours will be as a newly minted doctor have become more real this year. I often wake up at the crack of dawn and leave home before he's even awake. I work 12 hour days on most rotations and come home too exhausted to cook much for dinner. I have to spend a couple hours each night studying before bed.

I know it's been hard on my husband. But he prays for me. He prays that I will be a light to my patients, that I will use this unique opportunity given to me to show my patients God's love. And he prays for grace to act with patience and love towards me, even when I'm short-tempered or stressed or boring him to death with yet another story about a patient or bursting into tears for no good reason.

My journey to becoming a doctor is only just beginning. We don't know where we'll be next year. We don't know when we will receive the gift of our very own baby Jeong. And we don't know where (and if) God will send us abroad as missionaries in the future. I'm so thankful that God has given me my husband to walk with me every step of this process. He shows Christlike sacrifice, love, and commitment in the way he supports me through my years of medical training.

And if he saw that I was writing a blog post about him, he'd be embarrassed. So I'll stop now.

Being a doctor, being a patient

Doctors have trouble being patients. And I'm no exception, even though I'm still 1 year away from being an actual doctor. 

My eye was a good wake up call. While on my OBGYN rotation, I developed a weird focal redness just on one segment of my right eye. It made me look like I had severe pink eye, but I ignored it because I didn't wanna miss any hours on the rotation for a doctor's visit. What are they gonna do? I thought. Probably just tell me to use eye drops until the redness goes away. Well, not one, not two, but three weeks into this eye redness, a kind nurse finally forced me to go see an eye doctor. Thank goodness, because apparently I had some ulceration on top of a bacterial infection on top of extremely dry, irritated eyes from chronic misuse of my contacts (oops). And $80 worth of eye medications later, I promised my eye doctor I'd take better care of my eyes, "because you need to see in order to take care of patients!" Good point, doc.

And then today, I became a patient while seeing a patient. I'd been sick the past few days with some upper respiratory virus (It's kind of inevitable after 3 sick kids in a row sneeze on you). But today I felt strangely nauseous at the office and pretty dehydrated. I brushed it off, telling myself to toughen up and go see the 18-year old girl who had just arrived. As we were chatting, I felt a sudden onset of cold sweats, nausea, lightheadedness, and felt the blood rush from my head. I've passed out before and I knew where this was headed...to the floor. Thankfully I didn't actually lose consciousness; I just had a controlled, non-traumatic fall as my lightheadedness took control over my body. We were talking about dentists when I fell. And she had to call for a nurse to help me up and onto an exam table. For the next 20 minutes, I couldn't get up or move much, because I'd get dizzy and nauseous all over again. My mouth felt parched. Finally, I thought I could stay vertical without collapsing, so I wobbled back into my patients exam room, determined to finish her exam. She ended up staying one hour longer than she needed to because of my little episode, and it was both humiliating and humbling to show a patient my "humanity" - that is, that doctors aren't perfect and doctors need doctors too. But then again, I insisted on seeing her through till the end, and told my attending that I didn't need to take a water break until after the morning session was over when, clearly, I was dehydrated and needed to give my brain some extra fluid.

It's a dangerous mentality that I feel like many doctors fall victim to. We prefer to diagnose or treat ourselves, ignoring the fact that our judgment can be clouded when it comes to our own health. We feel too proud of our position as "healers" to admit that we are in desperate need of healing ourselves. We feel ashamed when our patients catch a glimpse of our illness, because aren't we doctors and supposed to know how to make everything better?

Today, I learned the hard-but-soft way that I must pray against these prideful thoughts! And on a tangent.. How much more dangerous it is to think that we have no need for spiritual healing and that we arent desperately broken because of sin, without Christs blood that freely covers over our iniquities! 

And due to today's inclement weather, all of our afternoon patients cancelled their appointments so I am blissfully laying on my couch, allowing my brain to soak up whatever fluids it was deprived of this morning. Thank God for providing for my physical needs, even when I try to ignore them. 

On that note, stay safe! 

Remember this name, first years

There is one piece of advice that I would give to all JMC first years when they return for second year in the fall:

Tim Beer.

He's graduating this May. He's a genius. He shared all of his second year notes. He makes dense, frustrating lecture notes readable, understandable, and do-able.  Given the widely varying quality of lecture notes that you'll get for Foundations of Clinical Medicine, this guy's notes are a gem.

USE his notes. PRINT out his tables.

I can't tell you how many exams he's prevented me from failing this year.

I don't have much second year advice because, overall, I didn't do too well. But this is one thing I would strongly, highly, fervently recommend.

If we could vote for students to receive Teacher of the Year awards, I would vote for Tim Beer.

Time to go look at his notes...

Winding down and burning out...

Sad, this blog. Right? I'd fully intended to keep up with the writing throughout the year, but clearly this hasn't happened. Better late than never!

With exactly 2 weeks left of my second year of medical school, I find myself so utterly burnt out and exhausted by the pace and intensity of learning that med school demands. And a learning curve that's steeper than anything I've ever attempted before.

And then there's Step 1. 

For you non-medical people, that's the first of the three-part National Medical Licensing Exam (the "boards"). It's the toughest one of the 3 steps, and the score you get largely determines which medical specialty you are eligible for.  No big deal, right..?

But as tired and drained as I am, I look forward to my 6 week period of boards studying with anticipation and thankfulness. And I'm gonna write it here now, for 1-month-into-the-future me.. as a reminder.

1. I'm anticipating this time because it's everything we've been preparing for, hearing about, and dreading - since Day 1 of medical school. Whenever upper years and doctors told us, "You should definitely know this, because it's on the boards." We would look at each other and cringe with fear. The booaaardds! It was a scary, mysterious monster that loomed between us and the envied "clinical years". And I'm finally 2 weeks away from doing battle with it. I hope I'm ready.
2. As difficult as this period will be, it represents the FINAL weeks of my pre-clinical years. Yes, the 12-hours-a-day, 6-days-a-week will blow. But just 6 weeks of suffering and I can say goodbye to the endless lectures, the hours of studying without a face to put to the disease, the monotony and stress of it all. Forever. 
3. Thankful. Not everyone gets to be a full-time student. Not everyone makes it into medical school. Not everyone gets the wonder of studying the human body. My God has become so much bigger to me, as I've learned more about His creation. The intricacies, the detail, the fragility of how everything works together... He is an awesome God.
4. Broken for the sickness, the sorrows, the pains that fill this world. We live in a fallen world because of sin, which tainted everything good that God created. But there is such a huuge redemption plan, a powerful act of grace and sacrifice and love! One day, Jesus will wipe away the tears and sorrows of those who know Him. And until that day comes, I have the privilege of using my medical knowledge to serve the needy and point them to Christ, the one who gives real healing and eternal life. 

It was a rough and humbling two years, but I am so thankful for everything that I've learned.

Dad in East Africa

{Photo credit to dad}  Taken during one of mom & dad's annual visits to Kenya

Please join me and my family in prayer as my dad leads a team of Korean medical students to East Africa on medical missions! They'll be there for the rest of January and all of February. Many of you who have experienced short-term missions know that God uses the prayers of supporters in powerful, faithful ways on the field. So again, please, we would be so grateful if you could lift my father and his team up with prayers over the next two months. Here are some specific requests:

• God. Pray that the team, the missionaries, and the people that will be served will be blessed with a rich, undeniable experience of God. That God would make His presence known to all who are touched. That His powerful gift of salvation would be received by many.
• Team. The medical students that attend this trip are part of my dad's program for students who are interested in becoming medical missionaries. Pray that their hearts will be convicted through this trip, and that God will raise up future physicians who willingly forsake a rich, prestigious career at home to bring spiritual and physical healing to the ends of the earth.
• Dad. Pray for physical strength to endure the long traveling hours and the pressure of leading this team without my mom, who couldn't join him this year. Pray that he will have intimate times with God every day. Pray for love for his students.
• Safety. For physical, mental, emotional, spiritual safety. Some of their ministries take place in areas of unrest. Many of their ministries are located in rural, middle-of-nowhere areas. Pray for this team's safety. 
• The rest of us... For me, sister, mom, grandparents. That we would not be anxious about my dad's safety and well-being, but that we would be vigilant in prayer and thankful for a chance to serve the Lord as a family, even though this time it's only my dad making the trip. 

Thank you for praying. Really. 

{Photo credit to dad} Oh, that precious children like these might come to know the healing and forgiveness of the Lord...

Before the Throne

When Satan tempts me to despair

And tells me of the guilt within

Upward I look and see Him there

Who made an end to all my sin

Because a sinless Savior died

My sinful soul is counted free

For God, the Just, is satisfied

To look on Him and pardon me

To look on Him and pardon me

What a powerful Gospel we are gifted with. As the years of my walk with God increase, and my understanding of the Gospel and God's love for His people increase, the words of this hymn hold more and more meaning and weight.  My heart sings this song today.

Hallelujah, Praise the One, Risen Son of God.

Loving you deeply, through prayer.

Photo credit: You Na

How Deep the Father's Love for Us - Phillips, Craig, and Dean

Today, I'm praying for this group of women (pictured above). Each one is a dear sister and future colleague. I could go on about how God has been opening our timid, injured, or calloused hearts; and allowing us to share in each other's deepest struggles and richest blessings. But I've gushed about my girls on this blog already (I think), so I'll save Part 13958 of that for another day.

Today, I feel an urge to pray for you girls.

Thanksgiving for your words and prayers for me - the gentle way you point out my need for Christ. The thoughtfulness with which you ask me the hard questions. The love that you show, even when I am hard to love.

Prayers for the personal "bondages" that we all identified last week: the things in life that prevent you from fully enjoying God, and from obeying His word.

Prayers that you will truly believe...

• That health is a blessing, but it is far better to be sick if it will drive us to Jesus.
• That success is a blessing, but that we will praise God in times of poverty or  failed careers or thwarted life plans - if it will turn our eyes to the pure, holy, everlasting promise of heaven that we've inherited.
• That friends, family, husband - companionship - is a blessing, but that we would embrace and cherish loneliness if it will increase our longing and desire for a deeper relationship with Jesus. The one who never fails us, and never leaves us.

And that at the end of this race, when we stand at heaven's gate, I will see you there; and we will all share in a wondrous, joyful, unspeakably amazing celebration with Jesus Christ. Until then, let's press on. =)